[atsonicpark]

So, where does that leave me? I certainly don't want her to leave me. I don't want her to leave, PERIOD. I'm willing to go exceptional lengths to make her happy... willing to wait for a bit, see what she decides... but yeah. I mean, fuck. She's my girl. You know? I have had so many sleepless nights now. No food except for some spaghetti which I vomitted. Called in to work.. got sick at work and went home.. barely drinking anything either except a few sips of water. I'm on antidepressants now. They just make me feel weird. They make me... not so angry. But I don't technically feel "better", just maybe... "Deader". I guess they accomplish something as I certainly feel somewhat more tolerant than I should.

She's not really "putting me through" anything. I feel weird, because the few people I've told about this think she's just being a fucking moron. Completely unbiased people who wouldn't take my side, if I was wrong. But, yeah, even members of her own family think she's being really really dumb. Not just the moving-away thing, but leaving me... I mean, look, I'm the only person who really understands her. I "get" her. I mean, we talk in code, almost. It's like.. we're so connected.. I dunno. If you've been in love with someone for a long time, you know what I mean.

She's being exceptionally angry and mean lately, in life, in general. One minute, I can talk to the person I fell in love with -- but the next minute, she'll be angry and annoyed over nothing. The next minute, she'll feel sick. This has been going on for a week. Guilt eating her up? I dunno. She has A.D.D, I'm pretty sure of that, and she is confirmed to have a severe hormoanal imbalance... I worry for her. She is a very angry person. You wouldn't think so. She doesn't show it in conventional ways... but she has a very dark, distant, cold side to her that has been coming out more lately (not just directed towards me, mind you, but obviously as the person she feels most comfortable with, i'm also the person she lashes out at the most).

I think, in general, she's being a bit delusional and silly. She went to Florida a few weeks ago and won some costume contest and is getting flown to New York for free because of it. I think that's what started this whole thing. It's not, like, a huge or prestigious prize. I mean, she's good at what she does, I'm proud of her, but come on... I really think she feels like she's "important" now, something she's never felt before. Like she's so far above and beyond this shitty, small town. She hasn't said that but that's the vibe I get. She's quickly trying to shut out everybody and turn her back on everyone. I mean, she lives at home, her mom doesn't want her to go anywhere... her parents own her car, I highly doubt they'll let her take it down there... she has went to school for 5 years, with no degree, and she spent the last semester going to art school because she changed her major from chemistry to art and she's going to just say fuck school and move away... also, she's in debt. Also, her job won't transfer her. Also, it's not like the economy is booming. Also, she plans on going down there and moving out with her cousin, who definitely has no plans of moving..........

So, I don't know where her head is at. She changes her mind about everything all the time. I am confident that the creepy, weird dude who she is "getting to know" will give up texting her and being weird if she stays here much longer. I don't really mind her becoming friends with the guy but he's kinda stepping on my toes and being disrespectful to me. Oh, well, what he doesn't know is that I'm still.. uh... banging her. Well, I haven't in a week. But I plan on it before she goes.

...if she does go, I mean. Supposedly she's going next month. She has to register for school by July 31st.. so, I guess if she doesn't register, I'll know she's definitely leaving... with no money... I just don't get her. Meanwhile, I have $17,000 in the bank... god, it'd be so great.. just me and her to get our own place....... yeah.

She's putting me through hell. Seriously. I care so much for her. She admitted she's being mean to me to make it easier for her to move away. Um, okay. She wants me to leave her alone because she doesn't want me stopping her from going. Which I wouldn't stop her, on purpose -- she always blames others for her problems! It's insane. Why would someone be mean to someone else who has never done ANYTHING wrong to them? And we've hung out a few times and most of the time it's been amazing, as good as ever, but there have been one or two times that were terrible. But then she'll kiss me and it'll be weird, maybe.. and then she'll kiss me again and it'll be mindblowing. This is a poorly-worded paragraph, but basically.. things are just...... like... I dunno. It's like I'm dealing with 10 people, all in the body of the person I lovE.

I guess the big question is.. can I forgive her if she does this? If she leaves me for no real reason? She says she wants me to always be in her life -- is this just some shitty copout, so she can walk all over me and act like a moron and know that she can still come back to me when she needs me? I can't say no, sadly. I told her I'd hate her and delete her from my life forever if she leaves me but... yeah. Obviously, I can't. I love her. This is so fucking stupid and pointless and is just making me more and more depressed.

No, I'm not going to KILL myself. I appreciate everyone's concerns, by the way. I'm on antidepressants now. I'm working on a really depressing "solo" album. I did have the idea of blowing my brains out at the end of the recording. It would be the most legendary recording ever. Isn't that brilliant? But, anyway, I'm going to call it "decomposition of self", most likely. Is that a good name? My other idea was "how paralysis feels".


......So, I'm trying to keep my mind occupied on other things. She'd be too proud to admit failure, but if she goes now, she'll fail. At the same time, if she continues acting like this, I won't want to put up with that either. I'd probably feel okay if she moved away, because at least I wouldn't have to see her or call her every day... at least she wouldn't be acting to me. If that makes sense. But I'd still talk to her online and still write her letters and shit. So it'd still be the same bullshit. I'm still going to be in love with her, no matter what.

So yeah I'm depressed and I have this feeling now like.. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to make me happy... I mean, I've seen every movie, heard every album, played every game, read every book.. that's not technically true but it's how I feel. And besides, if I have no one to share it with, what's the point? Again, I'm not bragging, but I'm a very popular dude. Not socially awkward at all. Everyone likes me. The problem is, I hate just about everyone. No one's good enough for me. Haha. That sentence looks bad, but there's no other way to word it: I find faults and problems with just about everyone and it's difficult for me to be "FRIENDS" with someone. I look at most people as an acquaintance. She's pretty much the only person who lives up to my impossibly high standards. And... heh.. she's even worse than me on this shit.. despite craving attention, she finds faults with everyone too.

Really, we're too perfect for each other. Even if we have time "apart", I know we'll still end up together. How could we not, after this fucking long? She's saying now "oh, I won't miss you that much" ... I mean, what? Why is she being so mean and ridiculous?! It's fucked up. But I love her.