(four hours later...)
anchorman:
OMG!!!! L0LZ0RZZ!!! CANTANKEROUS HAS BEEN SHOT!!! ROTF!!! Currently, she is in the Altamont General Hospital in critical condition, after being shot in the mouth by a lone gunman. (or was there more then one gunman?)

"ow, my mouth!" shouted cantankerous angrily, "i'm gonna fuckin' KILL YOU!!!!"

"Heh hah ehaheah heahahaeea!!!!" heartily laughed the impressively large gunman. "Not if i kill you first, bitch!!!"

And he fired another round at the weak and weary cantankerous.

suddenly, the gunman felt a change of heart and decided to comfort the poor, easily irritated victim of his rage.

Meanwhile...

"Stop fucking detuning, piece of shit gtr!," thought the disgruntled k-krack.

The victim was rather irritated by the gunman's change of attitude, and kicked him in the kneecap.

And the gunman squealed like a litlle girl in front of the cameras.

iN PURE DISGUST, tHE CAMERAMAN SWIVELED THE CMAERA TO FACE HIMSELF AND SHOUTED, "I AM THE EGGMAN!"

"you look more like a walrus to me" said the dude

By this time, Cantankerous had slipped away without being noticed, and fled down the road.

Above, a group of strange birds circled in predatory silence.

"one, two one two one two kitty! my kitty is the best and yours is shitty!" shouted cantankerous for no reason whatsoever.

The birds suddenly squaked, as if Cantankerous' outburst was some kind of pre-arranged avian signal.

the birds must have taken her shrieking to mean "attack hip priest" because they did so.

Hip PRiest had a flamethrower, however.

except that it was broken.

cause i broke it.

'Oh f***', saith I.

Cantankerous then realized that she was the creator of this gossip world, and there was nothing that could defeat her. She was truely immortal.

"what a badass i am," saith i, "i am just too badass to believe."

Hip Priest was shaking like a leaf as she said that.

Then in a grand voice, Thurston Moore started yelling obscenities, about love.

then this guy comes up and farts

the fart brought forth a mighty shit cloud, divine in nature, to cleanse the unclean and wash away purity.

Everyone in it's proximity started running in all directions.

Tokolosh appeared and twatted fartdude over the head with Hip Priest's broken flamethrower.

Fartdude cried, while his skull got crushed, by the heavy blows.

"What a moron," cantankerous shook her head at tokolosh.

"What's your problem?" asked Tokolosh.

cantankerous ignored tokolosh and instead continued on her merry way with a boombox on her shoulder, blasting NWA.

Tokolosh started to laugh, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

'MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! ' came the cry.

A cat drove by very fast on a motorbike.

The cat's helmet suggested it was on pizza delivery duty, but the semi-concealed silver dagger told a different story.

Diesel was confused by the sight of a Bengali pizza delivery cat, and took a large gulp of whisky to put his mind straight again.

Pulling up at the roadside, the cat pulled out her own bottle of whisky and took a mouthful too, as if to steady her nerves; a quick glance down at the silver dagger revealed the object of her tension.

The jewel encrusted handle of the dagger hid amongst its gems the famous Diamond of Macatakakar, know across the Indian subcontient for it's ability to turn an ordinary household cat into a vicious killer.

the killer cat turns out to be/.....

Lee Ranaldo!